THESE AREN’T MY POSTS

 Anyone associated with law enforcement (and likely emergency medicine) has both heard and said “You just can’t make this stuff up” countless times.  It’s true.  You can’t.  Among the most interesting things I  get to hear are the explanations offered by defendants.  Sometimes they are absolutely true.  Most of the time, they aren’t.  They are always interesting.  These “explanations” often follow a few common themes. . 

  

                Some other dude did it (SODDI)(Saw-dee). Always popular.  Law enforcement has clearly mistaken him for his evil doppelganger, twin brother, or one of the victim’s ex-boyfriends.  “He did what?  Who would do such a thing?  Surely not I” says the defendant.

                I have no idea what you’re talking about.  “Never mind the fact that my hand is wrapped in my now bloody t-shirt and the items stolen during the smash and grab robbery are on my coffee-table, I have never heard anything as outrageous as the crimes you’re now describing to me officer.  Who would do such a thing?”

                Its okay, the victim had it coming. “You see, officer/Judge, he stole a bunch of stuff from me back in college, so I figured it would be okay to break in to his house and steal his Xbox.  Besides this guy is a real (insert alleged expletive) and if I didn’t do it, someone would have done it eventually.

                Finally,  my personal favorite:

                These aren’t my pants.  This usually follows a pat down by officers which yields some item of contraband (i.e. a gun, joint, meth, or baggie of mushrooms.)  This usually involves a wild party or a roommate who is, you know…a criminal.    “As I rose to go to work and pay my taxes like  every other non-criminal, I obviously grabbed someone else’s britches—and can you just believe the crazy stuff they’re in to?  Outrageous.  Tell you what… just keep the pants, and I’ll be happy to walk home without them."

If you want to hear some good stories, just walk to up to your police officer friends and say  “these aren’t my pants.  After your pat down search, you’re gonna hear some good ones.